Once upon a time an angel came to me,in one of my dreams.She was tall and strong and warm and light.Fully embracing me with her wings,she kneeled infront of me.Whispered in my ears things that made me smile.Things about a different world where there is no pain no more.
A different world,a different heart.Something about a special meeting.
I laughed and the angel laughed and I felt so warm,all four chambers of my heart was just filled by this light.She told me that she loved me.And I said I didn't really know what love was anymore.She smiled and whispered something in my ear again,but I couldn't recall it when I woke up the next day.I tried so hard to remember...Something about patience,something about..embracing life.Something about this special meeting.I didn't remember any more details,but I remember the lightening of warmth shooting through my heart.It was warm as no other warmth I ever felt.It was so deep and tender,not prisoning,not sweaty,sticky or too hot.Just this deep warmth and reassurance.A warmth that spread from my heart down my chest,down my belly,like this good-willed fire in every bone of my body.It was a fire in my soul..
I thought about this angel so many times,the following years to come.Closed my eyes every night,thinking,when will I see her again?
Will she tell me that secret again that I didn't remember exactly?
I want to feel her,feel it again.That warmth.
Then I fell pregnant.
9 months later,my baby fought for his life and landed in my arms.This sweet-smelling buddha,so gentle and strong.My Lughán.So big and soft and beautiful...
And there it was!
The same light as the Angel carried!
Shooting sparkling love-stars through my body.
That burning warmth when she whispered those words,that same amazing warmth,spreading in my heart,loins,body,chest,belly,bones.Yes,everywhere!
I smiled and cried,and he was "The Shining One."
My shining one.
She must have meant that Love would come to me again.
That I would experience love in a way I never done before...
And then Uma came.I looked at her face and naked body when she was lifted up in front of me.And there it was again!Boom!This shooting warmth,like electricity through my body.
That's the number one similarity between my children I think.
Within their eyes.
That shooting warmth.The warmth that connects them,that makes them siblings,that makes them walking angels on earth,that makes them Miracles.
The warmth and shooting love that makes me a mother,a woman,a person.
Someone said,watching 'OneBornEveryMinute' that they considered Cesarean-births as the most "un-beutiful","tragic","ugly","disgusting" thing they've ever seen.
They couldn't be more wrong!
I birthed both my children for a very long time.For hours upon hours,without rest.They had such will-power,making my body tremble with The Force.
In the end we wouldn't have made it.
Without help I would be dead,
my children would have been angels in heaven instead of on earth.
My children's births was the most beautiful,most religious,spiritual,mindblowing thing i've ever experienced.
Body and soul.Body and mind.Body and heart.
That shooting,re-assuring,safe,extatic,neverending warmth that my children bring to me,every day,all day.I could not live without it.it is my oxygen,my life-dependancy.
Not in an obsessive way,more like.Just air.This amazing,precious air.
Light shoes,light mind,light heart.A sense of richness and belonging.A neverending meaning with life.The road I'm about to walk,all the questions that needs to be answered.I know they will be answered through motherhood.The children carry a lot of truths that us adults have lost.They are guiding me on the right path,as much as I am guiding them.Cycle of life.
It's the highest,deepest,most aching longing after something bigger that has come true inside of me...
And to you,my Angel that came to me that night.
I'm thinking about you a lot and thanking you each day for what you've given me.
For what you said to me,and that it came true!
That Shooting Warmth!The Love.My Children.
I close my eyes at night,thinking,will I ever see you again?
I look into my childrens eyes and see the essence of your spirit.
And I think for myself.It's okay.
Heaven can wait.