My name is Nora,I am 21 years old(actually,yesterday was my 21st birthday)and I am originally from Sweden,but I've been living in the UK for 2 years.I’m sorry for any language mistakes! Are you ready for a long one!??I bet you are!
Here we go!:
I fell pregnant with my first child when I was 18.As I still had some studies to finish back home in Sweden,I didn’t move to England and my english husband to be,until it was three months left of my pregnancy.I was never particulary scared of giving birth,as I knew I’m strong and not afraid of pain.I’ve always wanted to be a midwife,and I trusted nature would show it’s way.I was really excited about having a waterbirth,as I heard LGI,a hospital in the city of Leeds,had pools!!What I was a wee bit scared of,however,was to give birth in a different country.I’ve never been to a UK hospital before.I met my lovely man,a bit randomly in England in 2008,as me and my beatles-crazy little sister,spent some time in Liverpool…
Anyway.My whole pregnancy had been a bit of a rollercoaster,starting at week 13,I had a bleeding.The Dr. told me my baby was dead and they sent me home to “wait it out”…Nothing happened,so a week later they sent me on a scan to see if there was anything left inside of me,and much to their suprise,a little heartbeat showed up on the screen!Around week 20 I developed bad SPD,walking around like a duck with knife-pains down my private parts!From week 30 onwards,I had periods of reduced movements,so I was kept in hospital for longer periods of time “waiting” for a scan…They also told me the baby "was to big",so sent me on extra scans….You get so worried!Don’t you!?First baby,everyting is new!They are the experts,right!?I especially remember this one Dr.which was so cold,and neglecting and rude.Absolutely patronizing!He made me feel like a little fly on the wall.He had the power and he knew it.
Ten days overdue,night between 15th to 16th of July 2009 I went into labour.Always heard about it all “starting off slowly and then increase in intensity”…My labour started like a hurricane!Knife-sharp pains once every second minute…I straight away got this feeling “this ain’t right”….So,unfortunately,I transfered into hospital to early,as I got so worried.As they examined me,my waters broke…No dilation.”just a fingertip” they said…I asked if we could go home again if everything was fine with baby,they said no,as water broken they wanted to keep checking on me.They put me on an open ward and left me there.The contractions came stronger and stronger,it was sooo much in my back.They kept checking me (far to often,I realise now)….A few times they said,”oooh yes,I can see some hair”..and then they went “oooh no,just a little bit lo0se hair that had fallen off”…I was simply not dilating…I was so disappointed and the psychological part of not making any progress started to get to me.Late on the night,the 16th,they gave up on me and transfered to delivery suit.They put me in a high risk room and didn’t answer when I asked why..I was so tired by then,as we started to get closer to 24 hours…No one talked to me.They just put a drip on me,I thought they knew what they were doing,and should tell me,but they just gave me peticin.(Or I think it was.I’m still not sure as I haven’t got my notes.But that drug they give you to make your contarctions stronger anyway!)From then onwards it all went downhill.That night was just a complete blur!They kept me on the bed at all times,even though I begged to keep mobile.They shouted at me to move here,and move there.Saying I did things wrong all the time…They took blood samples from my boys head several times,it was like a horror film.They tried to put a clip on his head,but kept failing.Everytime the pulled it out,they ripped me up inside..It took five tries before they finally got it.Contractions coming fast and furious,ripping my body apart,cold metal inside of me and blood,blood everywhere.I kept thinking”This is not right”..I kept passing out because of the unnatural strength of the contractions.They realised finally that my body and baby didn’t handle the peticin well at all,so they turned it off…There was nothing wrong with the strenght of my contractions,but my baby was in posterior position,and I simply did not dilate..They kept putting my legs wide apart…Then that Dr came in!That Dr I met during my pregnancy that I hated so much!Evil and coldness was written all over his face..I just screamed”please,not him..No,no,no not him.I don’t trust him!!”…He gave me this awkward smile and started to do painful procedures down there,all during the painful contractions…I kept blacking out,felt like i was watching myself from above…He looked at me in disgust,and when he left the room the midwife asked “should I take her legs down”,he looked down,between my legs and then stared at me and said “let her stay where she is”..As soon as he left,the midwife took down my legs and shook her haid,she didnt like him at all either.I’ve been raped in my early teenage years,so this was very difficult for me.To have a man I don’t trust at all,taking power of MY body in such vulnerable situation.I felt so dirty and humiliated.Like I was this animal on the slaughter bench…I lost track of time.So many dr kept coming in,constantly.A new midwife came in and paid attention to my belly,babies heart-rate had been “not happy” for a very long time,and all of a sudden my belly was totally red!And I was shaking with fever and hallucinating.So after 35 hours of intense labour,they rushed me to theatre for an emergency section…When they opened me up,the smell of rotten flesh,like death hit us hard.Even the Dr. reacted to it,kept saying..”aggressiv infection..extremely offensive smell” and so on..I was so out of it,it was really serious and I was so ill with the infection.My whole body shaking.At 09.52 in the morning,the 17thOfJuly 2009 my boy was born.Or “delivered” as they say.No cry,no nothing.I knew inside,that maybe he was gone…Against all odds,he came back round and was really strong,despite being so ill with the infection!…The midwife said” I’m sorry I didn’t get to deliver a healthy,rose cheeked,happy baby to you”..Labelling my labour as “wrong” and not as beautiful.No one ever said I did well.No one ever celebrated the birth of my son.They wheeled me away to an open ward.I was so ill.My boyfriend had to go home,in Sweden you can stay over night as a man,but he had to go…I,obviously,could not stand up on my own,but no one came when my baby cried and i pushed the red button.I was breastfeeding and had to have help to get him onto me,but no one did.He screamed and screamed and I cried,felt like the worst mother ever.I couldn’t hold my son!!!..I stayed in hospital for 6 days on the open ward.Not one single warm midwife did I come across.They promised my boyfriend they would look after me,as he made a clear point that I was not happy with the support I recieved,but when he was gone they completely ignored me again..I stood up,it took me half an hour!And infectious fluids kept pouring out of me,the midwives/nurses were disgusted…They took my son away from me every night at twelve a clock,to give him antibiotic and to cut his little heel to check level of infection in his blood…I never forget hearing him screaming so desperately..My heart was crying after him!”Mama is here,my baby,mama is here…”But I couldnt take him..When they brought him back,I asked to hold him,but they just said “you need to sleep” and put him in his cot.But he,obviously,wanted breast and comfort so he screamed and screamed,and I had to try to get up on my own..I couldn’t sleep,as never got any help.Hallucinated every time I closed my eylids..When my boyfriend came in the morning,I spent the day snoozing off,every time I woke up,I was soaked in sweat and the pain was killing me,I wanted to die.When I finally came home,I was still in so much pain.I’ve never had a cesarean before,so I thought I was fine.After being home one day,I stood up in the bathroom in the morning.All of a sudden blood gushing everywhere.I immediately thought it was from my vagina,but when I looked down at my scar,I realised it had open up in many places,releasing blood and infectious fluids.At that time,I didnt know about infections.No one told me this could happen,so by the amount of blood I was loosing,I thought I was dying from my baby.The ambulance came,a totally neglecting man,and a woman.The man looked at my naked body in disgust.He didn’t help me cover myself up,as I stumbled out naked on the street.He taped my wound up(????) with some hard tape..When I came to the hospital,the midwife was chocked by it,immediately put me on gas and air when she peeled the tape away….I spent one more week in hospital,as they waited for my fluids to drain.They couldn’t identify the infection,so they put me on loads of different antibiotics..As I was breastfeeding,I had my son with me at all times.They scared me with saying that I could absolutely not mix breatsfeeding and bottle,not even once,when I begged them to let my man take care of him,just one night so that I could sleep.It was times I bled through and they never came when I pressed the red button.It was one time I fell and couldn’t stand up again,I was lying in my own blood,my baby was crying and I pressed the button.No one came for half an hour.It was a nightmare!They said I needed to be independent as a mum,”why are you a mum if you can’t take care of yourself and your son”..It felt like I was their target as I was just 18,soon to be 19.
I trusted them.i trusted what they said about me was true..I felt shit about myself.I was the worst mum my son could have.I loved him so much,but I wished I could give him away to a better mum…A proper,healthy mum who could birth vaginally and not be such a weak person as I was…I eventually came home,as the bleeding finally stopped.I was still in so much pain.My bladder stopped working,so I had to have a catheter at home.When after a week of having a catheter,they took it out again,they wanted me to wee and then have a bladder scan to see if there was any wee left.I sat and cried and tried to wee as much as I could.A male dr cam in and pushed the scanner hard down my wound,saying “it’s still urine in there”…They said they had to drain the bladder to see if there was anything left,as the bladder scan sometimes can show the wrong result….The midwife put me on gas and air,but started the procedure before I even finished the first breath,It was the worst pain ever,and I screamed into the mask!My urethra was bleeding.There was no urine left,the bladder scanner had shown wrong after all!Weak by all pain and needles I went home again…Because of all the random antibiotics I’d been pumped with, I developed severe thrush in both nipples and breast tissue.I got a bad case of mastitis and my nipples was open,bleeding and full of puss…The infection didnt go away until my son was about six months old..The Dr’s said I could not have more children,as the infection had damaged my fellopian tube
I changed so much as a person after my sons birth.People kept telling me,that women with cesareans,don’t know how it is to give birth,although I’ve suffered so much pain..People asked me if I was to push to push…The worst thing is the self hatred and guilt..I hated/hate myself so much!!My belly is deformed and my body is useless…It should be designed to do this..Why me?The lack of care in hospital has given me nightmares at night..I have developed an extreme sense of control-need…It feels like I’m living on a strange planet..I don’t feel like the other mummies..I’m extremely over-protective of my son,not that I try to stop him from doing things,but I think he’s dying everytime he falls ill or trip,or experience any sort of pain…..I’ve got so much anger in me.
When I fell pregnant with my second child,I was so chocked.But happy.I was going to do it this time!!!I didnt have any money,but took a bank loan to afford going with independent midwives..The pregnancy went smoothly,and I planned to have her at home.In water…Now this sounds weird for many,but I fear hospital so much,and don’t trust the NHS at all,so for me it felt safer to be at home for my VBAC to max my chances for success!….Early morning,the 11th of January 2011,3 days overdue my labour started!It was lovely…I was in my own space at home!It felt really good..When having my son,I never felt him move during the whole labour,but this time everything felt healthy,and she was kicking away in there.When they told me I was 8 cm around four a clock in the morning the 12th of January,I was so chocked!!!It felt like a victory in it’s own…But then after 29 hours things started to look bad…My pulse went really high,so in the end we had to transfer in to hospital..I cried and cried and cried..As soon as I came in to hospital things became a struggle straight away..They put me on my back,and kept getting the needles wrong in my arm and wrist!..The dr examining me had long fingernails and ripped me up inside,digging around aggressively..
Things started to look increasingly bad,so after 33 hours of labour I had another emergency c-section.At 15.35 in the afternoon,the 12 of January 2011 my baby girl was born!I was devastated by the section,of course,but in complete awe to meet my little girl.So grateful for my baby being ok!My midwives was taking care of me post natally aswell,so they managed to get me home after just two days in hospital..BUT,the surgeons had put the metal clamps wrong in the middle of my wound,so I quickly became infected…It opened up and didn’t want to heal at all…New antibiotics,more pain.Endless waits in hospital.At one point,when one of the nurses took a swab from my wound she asked-…"Sooo how was it to experience a natural birth at home?"..I was like”Helloooo,you’re just taking a swab from my severly infected CESAREAN wound".People’s lack of consideration and thoughfulness really shocks me.
In the end they had to burn me,to create new skin so that it could finally heal…
My daughter is now 7 months old,and I’m still in pain.I am so grateful two have my two children,but me,in myself,is getting increasingly worse…Everything comes back to me now.I’m just devastated.…Get feelings of self-hate.My useless body and so on…My belly is just deformed from the surgery and the split belly muscles…I am very lonely here.And I'm so tired of fighting.